Why I haven’t called

Well, Stephanie has called me on not calling. And I know I’ve been delinquent in calling other people as well. And my excuse is thus: while in Chicago I had a horrible migraine, and during that migraine I noticed that my cell battery was about to die, but rather than plug it in, I passed out on my mom’s couch. The phone disappeared never to be heard from again. And my precious SIM card with my hundreds of phone numbers is gone. So, if you haven’t heard from me, and you’d like to, you need to either email your phone number to me or give me a call on my old number. I’ve kept the old number so that people could call me easily. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

The Kids Are Doing Well

A pleasant surprise for everyone: my kids are adjusting and behaving rather well.  We have been able to visit my grandparents several times.  Only once did we have to leave because the kids couldn’t behave.  Other than that, at all the family parties and functions, the kids did well.  I’ve received some nice compliments from some very critical family members.  Yes, there were also some ludicrous comments.  I can’t escape that.  Like when my cousin (who is 15 mo old) was screaming (which he does well) and my aunt said, “Your last name is Henry not your first name!”  But David did rather well.  Of course, to be on the safe side, I put David’s “I’m Autistic…” shirt on when it was time for my cousin’s engagement party.  That way, when surrounded by all the people I didn’t know, and all the people–including family–who aren’t used to David, they would know he’s Autistic and I wouldn’t just be making excuses for any unacceptable behavior.

Rachael’s Quote

Rachael is my 12 year old little sister. As we were chatting and joking around yesterday, she said, “Life’s not a garden. Don’t be a ho.”

I’m not on vacation…

Today I kept talking about PA and TX as if I’m on vacation. I was thinking about home. About TX. And the only thing that makes it home is the friends I left behind. I of course realized that I was wrong. I will no longer be driving cross country to return to my cruddy little house on 6th street. And, I’m glad. I hated living in TX. I like PA. I like the area. I like the fact that the kids get to know their grandparents and aunts and uncles. But there is so much more that I wanted to do.

Today was a rough day. And all I wanted was to talk to my best friend. And sadly enough her phone battery is dead (typical) and her home line was never answered. It’s been two weeks since we’ve moved. And I’ve been through a lot.

Still in denial

I am currently sitting in a dark hotel room.  My four children are sleeping spred over two double beds.  Tears are freely streaming down my face.  Tomorrow we will reach Chicago.  Yesterday I left Plainview.  I left Amanda.  I left my best friend.  Leaving Amanda and Caedmon and Presley and even Kevin feels like I left a very important part of me behind.  I have ripped out a piece of my heart and left it behind.  Of all the difficult things I have gone though lately, this has pushed me over the edge.  I was trying to sleep.  But I can’t.  Last night at least I was driving straight through.  Tonight I should be sleeping.  My feet should be propped up.  Instead, I sit here listening to my daughter scratch mosquito bites, my son make an occasional cough, and the air conditioner fill the room with its steady droning.  Scott is out with his friends.  He is going to miss a wedding this weekend.  A wedding he really wanted to attend.  But leaving Wayland has messed up so many plans.  I had finally reconciled myself to staying in Plainview.  A thought that was bearable only because of my friendship with Amanda.

Celia wants to know what I am doing.  She’s asked that I type that she misses Caedmon.  Her words of comfort for me are, “At least she is going to visit us…”  And I sob harder.  I asked that Amanda tell her mom that all I want for Christmas is plane tickets from Lubbock to Philadelphia.  And as I laid there trying to sleep tonight, I decided to add SouthWest Giftcards to my Wish List.  Even if it is for only a short visit.  Even if I have to go alone.  I want so much too see Amanda.  Could it be that it was only yesterday that I left?

I have never experienced in my life such heartache.  I have never felt such lonliness.  I have dealt with loss through death, but I think that this is almost worse.  At least death is a more valid reason for losing someone.  This seems more like abandonment.  Like I chose to give up a friend that I love and treasure.  And yet I still cry out to God for mercy.  I pray that He will move them to be close to me again.  I pray that we’ll be reunited soon.