I am currently sitting in a dark hotel room. My four children are sleeping spred over two double beds. Tears are freely streaming down my face. Tomorrow we will reach Chicago. Yesterday I left Plainview. I left Amanda. I left my best friend. Leaving Amanda and Caedmon and Presley and even Kevin feels like I left a very important part of me behind. I have ripped out a piece of my heart and left it behind. Of all the difficult things I have gone though lately, this has pushed me over the edge. I was trying to sleep. But I can’t. Last night at least I was driving straight through. Tonight I should be sleeping. My feet should be propped up. Instead, I sit here listening to my daughter scratch mosquito bites, my son make an occasional cough, and the air conditioner fill the room with its steady droning. Scott is out with his friends. He is going to miss a wedding this weekend. A wedding he really wanted to attend. But leaving Wayland has messed up so many plans. I had finally reconciled myself to staying in Plainview. A thought that was bearable only because of my friendship with Amanda.
Celia wants to know what I am doing. She’s asked that I type that she misses Caedmon. Her words of comfort for me are, “At least she is going to visit us…” And I sob harder. I asked that Amanda tell her mom that all I want for Christmas is plane tickets from Lubbock to Philadelphia. And as I laid there trying to sleep tonight, I decided to add SouthWest Giftcards to my Wish List. Even if it is for only a short visit. Even if I have to go alone. I want so much too see Amanda. Could it be that it was only yesterday that I left?
I have never experienced in my life such heartache. I have never felt such lonliness. I have dealt with loss through death, but I think that this is almost worse. At least death is a more valid reason for losing someone. This seems more like abandonment. Like I chose to give up a friend that I love and treasure. And yet I still cry out to God for mercy. I pray that He will move them to be close to me again. I pray that we’ll be reunited soon.
4 responses so far ↓
Melissa // July 2, 2007 at 10:38 pm |
Hey! I know that pain! It hurts when you have to leave behind a friend closer than your sister so to speak! I have done it too many times. God in His wisdom can do all things to help you through this. Hey he brought us back up here to IL. Not KY but at least it is still close enough that I can see my best friend with in 5 hrs instead of 16. We are praying for a safe trip for you!
God bless!
Kevin Leggett // July 3, 2007 at 8:39 am |
I certainly didn’t realize how hard this was going to be for all of us.
amandaleggett // July 3, 2007 at 9:27 pm |
Ya know…I came here tonight prepared to read this. My mom called me and told me that you had blogged and that it was largely about me.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
But here I sit crying…and not the fragile girly cry, no…the ugly, heaving cry that’s basically without tears because I’ve obviously permanently injured my tear ducts.
I love you.
Scott // July 3, 2007 at 9:50 pm |
As I layed on the floor in our Plainview house trying to get sleep I looked at all to0 familiar parts of the house that I have known as home for the last 3 years. I then realized that this will be the last time I see this. Not sad or regretting, but I now have no home. I used to get through moving just fine because my home was you and the kids so my home moved with me. However, thats not the case now is it. Then my realizations became thus: Saturday night was the last night that I shared a bed with my wife for a very long time or maybe forever. Saturday night was the last night that I had my wife and kids under the same roof with me for a very long time or….forever. I guess loneliness gets us all. I know you have the choice to post this or not – you wont hurt my feelings if you dont. At this point I dont know if I have feelings to hurt.
I love you and I miss you