I am currently sitting in a dark hotel room. My four children are sleeping spred over two double beds. Tears are freely streaming down my face. Tomorrow we will reach Chicago. Yesterday I left Plainview. I left Amanda. I left my best friend. Leaving Amanda and Caedmon and Presley and even Kevin feels like I left a very important part of me behind. I have ripped out a piece of my heart and left it behind. Of all the difficult things I have gone though lately, this has pushed me over the edge. I was trying to sleep. But I can’t. Last night at least I was driving straight through. Tonight I should be sleeping. My feet should be propped up. Instead, I sit here listening to my daughter scratch mosquito bites, my son make an occasional cough, and the air conditioner fill the room with its steady droning. Scott is out with his friends. He is going to miss a wedding this weekend. A wedding he really wanted to attend. But leaving Wayland has messed up so many plans. I had finally reconciled myself to staying in Plainview. A thought that was bearable only because of my friendship with Amanda.
Celia wants to know what I am doing. She’s asked that I type that she misses Caedmon. Her words of comfort for me are, “At least she is going to visit us…” And I sob harder. I asked that Amanda tell her mom that all I want for Christmas is plane tickets from Lubbock to Philadelphia. And as I laid there trying to sleep tonight, I decided to add SouthWest Giftcards to my Wish List. Even if it is for only a short visit. Even if I have to go alone. I want so much too see Amanda. Could it be that it was only yesterday that I left?
I have never experienced in my life such heartache. I have never felt such lonliness. I have dealt with loss through death, but I think that this is almost worse. At least death is a more valid reason for losing someone. This seems more like abandonment. Like I chose to give up a friend that I love and treasure. And yet I still cry out to God for mercy. I pray that He will move them to be close to me again. I pray that we’ll be reunited soon.